Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
