Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently you make a good broom.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
