Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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