He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Panties = found
Randomize
