I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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