This is not my ceiling
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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