I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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