i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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