I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
