well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
