I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
