You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
