Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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