This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.