I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.