I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.