I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
