i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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