I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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