A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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