You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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