How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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