I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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