Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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