Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
