I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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