My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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