The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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