i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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