I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
