If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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