dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
