I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
