I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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