i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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