I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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