I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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