My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
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We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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