I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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