god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
