wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
