Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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