i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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