I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
