Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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