my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Couch. On fire.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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