Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
