the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
