You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
