He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
