Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
