Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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