i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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