Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
