My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
