She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
