Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
