Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
