She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.