every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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